A surprise in my mailbox this morning, and I hope its owner doesn't mind me sharing but... OMG! The head alone looks like a quarter-pounder, and I want mine with hot sauce AND fries....
Win With We Three Kings!
4 years ago
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Look at the size of this thing!
A surprise in my mailbox this morning, and I hope its owner doesn't mind me sharing but... OMG! The head alone looks like a quarter-pounder, and I want mine with hot sauce AND fries....
Take Me Out Tonight
TAKE ME OUT TONIGHT
True confessions! I’ve been known to fall to my knees in the occasional alleyway, and I almost lost my virginity at an Iggy Pop concert, except we couldn’t get the angle right, so I jerked him off instead. There was about a thousand people there, so that was pretty public. I blew a boyfriend on a bus as well, but it was late, and there was no-one else around, plus I had his coat over me at the time.
Where are you going to take me tonight?
My lover, my partner, my friend
We could go to the movies or maybe a show
Or that new restaurant in the south end
Or you could…
Take me on the subway with the tourists and their languages
Take me in a Subway, fuck me hard across the sandwiches
Take me with abandon, with a band up on the stage
Take me in the monkey house with my ass against a cage
You could take me to sit with your mother
(we did kinda promise we would)
Or out to a bar with those people from sales
It would do your promotion hopes good
Or you could…
Take me at the racing track, take me in the grass
Take me at the shopping mall and fuck me up the ass
Take me at the theatre and upstage all the shows
Fuck my mouth till your cum cascades and pours out of my nose
You could take me out to visit friends
We could spend the evening dancing
We could head on down to Target
Get that plasma screen you’re wanting
Or you could…
Take me to the parking lot to the space reserved for cripples
Bare my breasts and shoot your load, and I’ll lick it off my nipples
You can take me any place you want, fuck any hole that suits you
Take me on mass transit, spread my cunt to the commuters
Take me at a Primary with the network cameras staring
Take me roughly, call some friends round, fuck me till I’m tearing
Take me at a baseball game, take me at the Dome
Do anything you like…
... except another night at home
Monday, January 16, 2012
I just got a review on Jane's Guide!!! Yay!!!!
Thank you to Jane's Guide for a wonderful review!
"This blog shares original erotica, sex book/movie reviews, and movie clips from different tube sites. Jenny Swallows is co-author of The Nympho Librarian and Other Stories, as well as books of erotic poetry and more! If you are interested in her work, there are links to where to buy it on other sites. I found her XXX movie reviews to be a laugh riot (while also being pretty informative). Most of the time she seems to be drawn to the classics or modern day parody. I think that my absolute favorite journal entries here involve discussion and screen caps from her sexual adventures on the computer game Second Life. The only downside? Some of these porn tube videos create pop ups or start automatically. That said, she has a nice collection of clips of oral sex featuring uncut cocks (and that is a pretty nifty bonus). A neat and sexy blog! - Vamp"
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Not sure how I missed this...
But I did. Better late than never, though... A hilarious posting from a wonderful blog. thank you!
and a pic of actress/singer/model Yumi Sugimoto, just because....
and a pic of actress/singer/model Yumi Sugimoto, just because....
The Clit-erion Collection - Librarians (2011)
Building the ultimate porn library, one great flick at a time
It was inevitable I'd pick this one up eventually. For a start, there really aren't many things hotter than having sex in the library... but you already know that if you've read my own collection of horny humping library hijinks the Nympho Librarian and Other Stories, which isn't the book of the film, but it could be.
But also because I've yet to see a Joanna Angel production that hasn't left me reaching for the towels. And this one's no exception.
Librarians focuses in on what the blurb claims is just another average day at the Clitty City Library, although I'll be honest and wonder just how average it is, being held up at gunpoint by a dude (James Deen) who you've just told cannot borrow a book because he already has 200 other overdue tomes?
No matter. The local SWAT team soon descend, headed up by Kimberley Kane, and a tense stand off ensues... with a lot of stand up as well. Deen is a genuine rarity among gun-toting criminals in that his cock is definitely bigger than his weapon, but the librarians ... Joanna Angel, Asphyxia Noir, Draven Star and Kleio Valentine ... certainly aren't cowed by it.
Neither are the library's other patrons, as Danny Wilde and Mick Blue both slip the girls a few tips (and shafts and roots) and Skin Angel shows why she is so wonderfully-named, so while you could probably grumble that the plot has got somewhat lost amidst all the fucking and sucking, I doubt you'll be stopping to complain.
Especially once Kane joins in the fun, in a final scene that milks the guys for everything they've got and definitely leaves the girls looking dewey.
A two hour movie offers little in the way of extras. But the set is phenomenal, the scripting is fine and the action is more or less non-stop. Plus, there's one scene that, personally, I've been replaying in mind from the moment I saw it, so much so that I'm kinda glad I don't have to go into work this weekend. Between Angel's Librarians and my own recent confessions, I don't think I could even look my co-workers in the eye....
It was inevitable I'd pick this one up eventually. For a start, there really aren't many things hotter than having sex in the library... but you already know that if you've read my own collection of horny humping library hijinks the Nympho Librarian and Other Stories, which isn't the book of the film, but it could be.
But also because I've yet to see a Joanna Angel production that hasn't left me reaching for the towels. And this one's no exception.
Librarians focuses in on what the blurb claims is just another average day at the Clitty City Library, although I'll be honest and wonder just how average it is, being held up at gunpoint by a dude (James Deen) who you've just told cannot borrow a book because he already has 200 other overdue tomes?
No matter. The local SWAT team soon descend, headed up by Kimberley Kane, and a tense stand off ensues... with a lot of stand up as well. Deen is a genuine rarity among gun-toting criminals in that his cock is definitely bigger than his weapon, but the librarians ... Joanna Angel, Asphyxia Noir, Draven Star and Kleio Valentine ... certainly aren't cowed by it.
Neither are the library's other patrons, as Danny Wilde and Mick Blue both slip the girls a few tips (and shafts and roots) and Skin Angel shows why she is so wonderfully-named, so while you could probably grumble that the plot has got somewhat lost amidst all the fucking and sucking, I doubt you'll be stopping to complain.
Especially once Kane joins in the fun, in a final scene that milks the guys for everything they've got and definitely leaves the girls looking dewey.
A two hour movie offers little in the way of extras. But the set is phenomenal, the scripting is fine and the action is more or less non-stop. Plus, there's one scene that, personally, I've been replaying in mind from the moment I saw it, so much so that I'm kinda glad I don't have to go into work this weekend. Between Angel's Librarians and my own recent confessions, I don't think I could even look my co-workers in the eye....
Thursday, January 12, 2012
The Clit-erion Collection - Lust Combo (1970)
Building the ultimate porn library, one great flick at a time
Some movies recommend themselves for their title, some for their artwork, some for their cast. And some because it is impossible to resist a film that proclaims itself to be "an expose of the record business... filmed on actual locations in and around Memphis and Nashville."
Jenny Gets On Top is such a movie. indeed, it might well be the only one that fits that particular criteria, but boy, does it do it well. Directed by Carl R Carter, maestro behind such b-movie delights as Trucker's Girl and Barbie's Hospital Affair (forget the film, you can get off on the titles!), Jenny gets On Top would appear to be another in that short run of end-of-innocence era flicks that played on the general public's fascination with groupies. But Groupie did that gig so well that anything else in the genre just got overlooked. Including the lovely Jenny.
The whole affair, for what it's worth, appears basic. Look it up on IMDB and it appears that the lovely Jenny was originally known by the distinctly less alluring name of Lust Combo - which sounds like something you'd buy from Gangstermart, looking rudely out-of-place on the Value Pack aisle. IMDB certainly shrugs it off very brusquely; "A three piece rock band called "The Three Easy Pieces" drives into Tennessee to play a gig. After the show, they meet up with three women and pair off for three one-nighters. In the morning, the band leaves."
In between times, though, the charms of Cheri Parks, Linda LaLane and Renee Dupree (Eileen, Cindy and the oddly named Chlorine), none of whom seem to have made any other movies whatsoever, are on ample display in a film whose nudity quotient was certainly justified as much by the fact that such sights were now legal, as any demands of the plot and script, while the talents of the Three Easy Pieces don't appear to have set the world afire either.
But do not let all that put you off. The band are as studalicious as a any movie rocker circa 1969 could be, and don't they know it! Motoring to their roadhouse gig, all three band members... Vince, Jim, and Mike... daydream of the dream girls who might be awaiting them after the show, and why not? They're young, they're hot, they're on the way to the top... and life doesn't get much better than this. So they scoop up the two horny housewives who took in the show while their hubbies were away, add a sexy Creole cutie to the menu for the night, and then it's back to their oddly luxurious hotel room for the heart of the movie. A game of spin the bottle, of course!
Seventies softcore is often scorned for really not delivering that much of anything. But there are moments when both cast and camera seem to have forgotten the rules of the road, especially once Vince and the blonde vixen Eileen start picking up steam. Something Weird video, which seems to be the sole repository of the magnificent Lust Combo, also makes a virtue of saucy Cindy's tits... "a joy to behold" is the precise term they use. In fact, the only question that really demands to be answered is... who the fuck is Jenny?
Good question.
Because this is where it gets interesting. It seems that IMDB - and, therefore, every other website that purports to know what it's talking about, but actually takes its info from that same single source - got it wrong! Big surprise? Maybe. Either way, the real Jenny Gets On Top is even more obscure than Lust Combo, was made a couple of years later, has a completely different cast and plot....
And it has nothing at all to do with Lust Combo. NOTHING!!!!!
In this movie, Jenny is indeed the name of the movie's star, a blonde country beauty named Jenny Palmer, who strums her guitar, sings her songs, and has no compunction whatsoever about fucking her way, of course, to the top. Oh, and I saw it mentioned on an internet thread discussing the erotic fascination of armpit hair... apparently there is a very arousing glimpse somewhere within. And that is all I've been able to discover about a movie which might be truly appalling... or it might be a lost classic begging for rediscovery.
Either way, I want it!
Some movies recommend themselves for their title, some for their artwork, some for their cast. And some because it is impossible to resist a film that proclaims itself to be "an expose of the record business... filmed on actual locations in and around Memphis and Nashville."
Jenny Gets On Top is such a movie. indeed, it might well be the only one that fits that particular criteria, but boy, does it do it well. Directed by Carl R Carter, maestro behind such b-movie delights as Trucker's Girl and Barbie's Hospital Affair (forget the film, you can get off on the titles!), Jenny gets On Top would appear to be another in that short run of end-of-innocence era flicks that played on the general public's fascination with groupies. But Groupie did that gig so well that anything else in the genre just got overlooked. Including the lovely Jenny.
The whole affair, for what it's worth, appears basic. Look it up on IMDB and it appears that the lovely Jenny was originally known by the distinctly less alluring name of Lust Combo - which sounds like something you'd buy from Gangstermart, looking rudely out-of-place on the Value Pack aisle. IMDB certainly shrugs it off very brusquely; "A three piece rock band called "The Three Easy Pieces" drives into Tennessee to play a gig. After the show, they meet up with three women and pair off for three one-nighters. In the morning, the band leaves."
In between times, though, the charms of Cheri Parks, Linda LaLane and Renee Dupree (Eileen, Cindy and the oddly named Chlorine), none of whom seem to have made any other movies whatsoever, are on ample display in a film whose nudity quotient was certainly justified as much by the fact that such sights were now legal, as any demands of the plot and script, while the talents of the Three Easy Pieces don't appear to have set the world afire either.
But do not let all that put you off. The band are as studalicious as a any movie rocker circa 1969 could be, and don't they know it! Motoring to their roadhouse gig, all three band members... Vince, Jim, and Mike... daydream of the dream girls who might be awaiting them after the show, and why not? They're young, they're hot, they're on the way to the top... and life doesn't get much better than this. So they scoop up the two horny housewives who took in the show while their hubbies were away, add a sexy Creole cutie to the menu for the night, and then it's back to their oddly luxurious hotel room for the heart of the movie. A game of spin the bottle, of course!
Seventies softcore is often scorned for really not delivering that much of anything. But there are moments when both cast and camera seem to have forgotten the rules of the road, especially once Vince and the blonde vixen Eileen start picking up steam. Something Weird video, which seems to be the sole repository of the magnificent Lust Combo, also makes a virtue of saucy Cindy's tits... "a joy to behold" is the precise term they use. In fact, the only question that really demands to be answered is... who the fuck is Jenny?
Good question.
Because this is where it gets interesting. It seems that IMDB - and, therefore, every other website that purports to know what it's talking about, but actually takes its info from that same single source - got it wrong! Big surprise? Maybe. Either way, the real Jenny Gets On Top is even more obscure than Lust Combo, was made a couple of years later, has a completely different cast and plot.... And it has nothing at all to do with Lust Combo. NOTHING!!!!!
In this movie, Jenny is indeed the name of the movie's star, a blonde country beauty named Jenny Palmer, who strums her guitar, sings her songs, and has no compunction whatsoever about fucking her way, of course, to the top. Oh, and I saw it mentioned on an internet thread discussing the erotic fascination of armpit hair... apparently there is a very arousing glimpse somewhere within. And that is all I've been able to discover about a movie which might be truly appalling... or it might be a lost classic begging for rediscovery.
Either way, I want it!
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Sunday, January 8, 2012
The Clit-erion Collection - Spiderman XXX (2011)
Building the ultimate porn library, one great flick at a time
One seriously iconic scene just became... iconic-er.
Remember in the first Spiderman movie, the moment where everyone’s favorite webslinger lowers himself from a fire escape to kiss the heroine on the lips?
Imagine if he’d continued lowering himself.
Axel Braun did.
Spiderman XXX: A Porn Parody is not the first comic book reimagining to hit the screens with a great sticky splodge, but it might be the best so far. Less indebted to the comic book than it is the more recent movies, the casting is spot-on, with even the mainstream comic forums remarking on the improvements this crew offers on the mainstream stars. So, Xander Corvus plays a seriously well-hung Spidey, Capri Anderson simmers as long-time love interest Mary Jane, Ash Hollywood is a spot-on (but sadly under-used... in every sense of the word) Gwen Stacey... but it’s the supporting characters who will get the Spiderfan’s blood pumping, as Aunt May, J Jonah Jameson and even Doctor Octopus take turns to appear, and please tell me that nobody out there has ever fantasized seeing that trio doing the dirty on film?
It’s okay, we don’t (although the comic book accompanying the DVD does include one nothing-left-to-the-imagination scene with May and Uncle Ben). What we do get, though, is a fabulously realized threesome between Flash (Seth Dickens), MJ and Gwen; the Black Widow fucking Spiderman’s brains out, before giving him head (instead, one presumes, of biting his off); and some genuinely sizzling action from Electro (Dick Delaware), as he grinds out his passions on a suitably slutty prostitute, and then zaps her with a lethal dose of electric cum.
Yes, the special effects here are both stunning and well-utilized, both in the sex scenes and the action sequences - of which there are sufficient for Braun to have included a non-sex version of the same film in the bonus features.
The story, suitably, is straightforward enough. J Jonah is still waging his war against the costumed menace who he believes is behind the city’s entire crime wave; mild-mannered Peter Parker is the photographer whose exclusive shots allow JJ to illustrate his arachnophobic tirades. Just another normal day at the Daily Globe... until crime boss the King Pin hires Electro to undertake a special job - and all hell breaks loose around them. New York is plunged into a city-wide blackout, Spidey is recruited by the Avengers; the SHIELD warehouse is burgled and something top secret is stolen; and Doc Ock is looking for a room to rent. Oh, and there’s lso time for Robbie Robertson and Betty Brant to have some meaningful discussions about sexual harassment in the corridor outside the newspaper office.
The scene that your mind will keep rewinding to, though, comes after Spiderman has saved Peter Parker’s girl from three marauding thugs, and she rewards him with a kiss that just goes deeper and deeper. A BJ from MJ... did JJ get the pics?
I can’t wait for the sequel!
One seriously iconic scene just became... iconic-er.
Remember in the first Spiderman movie, the moment where everyone’s favorite webslinger lowers himself from a fire escape to kiss the heroine on the lips?
Imagine if he’d continued lowering himself.
Axel Braun did.
Spiderman XXX: A Porn Parody is not the first comic book reimagining to hit the screens with a great sticky splodge, but it might be the best so far. Less indebted to the comic book than it is the more recent movies, the casting is spot-on, with even the mainstream comic forums remarking on the improvements this crew offers on the mainstream stars. So, Xander Corvus plays a seriously well-hung Spidey, Capri Anderson simmers as long-time love interest Mary Jane, Ash Hollywood is a spot-on (but sadly under-used... in every sense of the word) Gwen Stacey... but it’s the supporting characters who will get the Spiderfan’s blood pumping, as Aunt May, J Jonah Jameson and even Doctor Octopus take turns to appear, and please tell me that nobody out there has ever fantasized seeing that trio doing the dirty on film?
It’s okay, we don’t (although the comic book accompanying the DVD does include one nothing-left-to-the-imagination scene with May and Uncle Ben). What we do get, though, is a fabulously realized threesome between Flash (Seth Dickens), MJ and Gwen; the Black Widow fucking Spiderman’s brains out, before giving him head (instead, one presumes, of biting his off); and some genuinely sizzling action from Electro (Dick Delaware), as he grinds out his passions on a suitably slutty prostitute, and then zaps her with a lethal dose of electric cum.
Yes, the special effects here are both stunning and well-utilized, both in the sex scenes and the action sequences - of which there are sufficient for Braun to have included a non-sex version of the same film in the bonus features.
The story, suitably, is straightforward enough. J Jonah is still waging his war against the costumed menace who he believes is behind the city’s entire crime wave; mild-mannered Peter Parker is the photographer whose exclusive shots allow JJ to illustrate his arachnophobic tirades. Just another normal day at the Daily Globe... until crime boss the King Pin hires Electro to undertake a special job - and all hell breaks loose around them. New York is plunged into a city-wide blackout, Spidey is recruited by the Avengers; the SHIELD warehouse is burgled and something top secret is stolen; and Doc Ock is looking for a room to rent. Oh, and there’s lso time for Robbie Robertson and Betty Brant to have some meaningful discussions about sexual harassment in the corridor outside the newspaper office.
The scene that your mind will keep rewinding to, though, comes after Spiderman has saved Peter Parker’s girl from three marauding thugs, and she rewards him with a kiss that just goes deeper and deeper. A BJ from MJ... did JJ get the pics?
I can’t wait for the sequel!
Saturday, January 7, 2012
$2.99 KINDLE AND NOOK SALE
From now till January 31, (almost) all my Kindle and Nook e-book editions are available for $2.99.
Includes the tales THE NYMPHO LIBRARIAN, SILENCE IN THE LIBRARY, COUSIN TOM’S FIRST BLOWJOB, CUM BREATH, THE LIBRARIAN’S CHRISTMAS STOCKING, THE STUDENT BODY, STICKY FINGERS, MY CIVIC DUTY, WATCHING THE CLOCK, THOROUGHLY MODEM MISS and CHECKING OUT.
NOOK EDITION buy it now
THE FIRST TIME & 59 OTHER MAGIC MINUTES is a breathtaking compendium comprising no less than SIXTY sexsational verses, tracing her sexual journey from inquiring teen to amorous adult, from backstreet assignations to the sanctity of marriage - and beyond.
Poetry will never seem the same again.
KINDLE EDITION buy it here
NOOK EDITION buy it here
THREE NUNS AND A MOTORCYCLE
A lipsmacking collection of short stories and book excerpts, including highlights from all of my novels and novellas, plus previously unpublished adventures for Ambrose Horne and Cousin Tom, and much more.
KINDLE EDITION - buy here
NOOK EDITION buy it here
COUSIN TOM'S MOTORBIKE AND OTHER STORIES
Seven hot new erotic adventures with the Rocky Mountains' raunchiest couple. Follow Cousin Rose and Cousin Tom as they hump and bump their way through Monroe CO - includes the stories "Cousin Tom's First Motorbike," "Cousin Tom's Revenge," "Cousin Tom Slips Behind," "Cousin Tom & The Sisters of Mercy," and more!
KINDLE EDITION buy here
NOOK EDITION buy here
WHAT I DID ON MY SUMMER VACATION
Everybody says you should never mix business with pleasure. But my vacation had already been squeezed in between a couple of work assignments, and I was a single girl in a foreign country. What did I expect might happen?
What I Did On My Summer Vacation is a non-stop whirl of sight-seeing and sex, historic England seen from angles that the tourist guides never mention. And you wouldn't believe my holiday snaps!
KINDLE EDITION buy here
NOOK EDITION buy here
SOHO BY SPOTLIGHT
KINDLE EDITION buy here
NOOK EDITION buy here
In London in the 1960s, pornography was a man’s world.
Stag movies and blue films were viewed by men, written by men, directed by men and filmed by men. If they hadn’t needed actresses to play a part on camera, they would probably have been made by men as well.
And then a woman came along, and changed that world completely.
This is her story.
DON’T FORGET TO BREATHE contains six full-length, red hot tales of lust, love and the most explosive oral sex imaginable. That’s around fifty pages of sucking, blowing and, of course, swallowing. Because good girls don’t spit.
KINDLE EDITION buy here
NOOK EDITION buy here
THE NYMPHO LIBRARIAN AND OTHER STORIES
Eleven scalding tales of lust and love in the halls of public learning - the town library!
Eleven scalding tales of lust and love in the halls of public learning - the town library!
The sex is hot, but the librarians are hotter, as authors Chrissie Bentley and Jenny Swallows reveal the lip-smacking truth about what goes on behind (and on top of, and around as well) the bookshelves.
Includes the tales THE NYMPHO LIBRARIAN, SILENCE IN THE LIBRARY, COUSIN TOM’S FIRST BLOWJOB, CUM BREATH, THE LIBRARIAN’S CHRISTMAS STOCKING, THE STUDENT BODY, STICKY FINGERS, MY CIVIC DUTY, WATCHING THE CLOCK, THOROUGHLY MODEM MISS and CHECKING OUT.
KINDLE EDITION buy it now just $2.99
NOOK EDITION buy it now
THE FIRST TIME & 59 OTHER MAGIC MINUTES is a breathtaking compendium comprising no less than SIXTY sexsational verses, tracing her sexual journey from inquiring teen to amorous adult, from backstreet assignations to the sanctity of marriage - and beyond.
Poetry will never seem the same again.
KINDLE EDITION buy it here
NOOK EDITION buy it here
THREE NUNS AND A MOTORCYCLE
A lipsmacking collection of short stories and book excerpts, including highlights from all of my novels and novellas, plus previously unpublished adventures for Ambrose Horne and Cousin Tom, and much more.
KINDLE EDITION - buy here
NOOK EDITION buy it here
COUSIN TOM'S MOTORBIKE AND OTHER STORIES
Seven hot new erotic adventures with the Rocky Mountains' raunchiest couple. Follow Cousin Rose and Cousin Tom as they hump and bump their way through Monroe CO - includes the stories "Cousin Tom's First Motorbike," "Cousin Tom's Revenge," "Cousin Tom Slips Behind," "Cousin Tom & The Sisters of Mercy," and more!
KINDLE EDITION buy here
NOOK EDITION buy here
WHAT I DID ON MY SUMMER VACATION
Everybody says you should never mix business with pleasure. But my vacation had already been squeezed in between a couple of work assignments, and I was a single girl in a foreign country. What did I expect might happen?
What I Did On My Summer Vacation is a non-stop whirl of sight-seeing and sex, historic England seen from angles that the tourist guides never mention. And you wouldn't believe my holiday snaps!
KINDLE EDITION buy here
NOOK EDITION buy here
SOHO BY SPOTLIGHT
KINDLE EDITION buy here
NOOK EDITION buy here
In London in the 1960s, pornography was a man’s world.
Stag movies and blue films were viewed by men, written by men, directed by men and filmed by men. If they hadn’t needed actresses to play a part on camera, they would probably have been made by men as well.
And then a woman came along, and changed that world completely.
This is her story.
DON’T FORGET TO BREATHE contains six full-length, red hot tales of lust, love and the most explosive oral sex imaginable. That’s around fifty pages of sucking, blowing and, of course, swallowing. Because good girls don’t spit.
KINDLE EDITION buy here
NOOK EDITION buy here
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